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Where would we be without stuff? At Cult Warehouse, we recognize that acquiring material objects is an important part of the self-improvement process. That's why we offer this line of "religious artifacts" designed to enlighten and inspire. |
| Note: All payments are made by PayPal (orders are processed through RedJack, our parent company) Click here to see the shipping table All California orders will have 7.25% sales tax added |
| An essential component of the Kartoffel
Synergy Movement is our recognition of the American obsession with
cleanliness. This may at first appear to be at odds with KSM's central tenet
of the divinity of the potato, and the fact that potatoes live in the
ground, covered with dirt, amongst
earthworms, manure, bugs, and God knows what other kinds of germs and
parasites. But, in fact, it is not. Our founder has meditated long and hard upon this apparent paradox, and been enlightened with the truth. Thus, the following items reflect the necessary symbiosis of dirt and purity, and the importance of ritual cleansing as an essential part of the journey toward potatotality. |
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Just as the sacred potato must be washed before it can pass through our bodies and bring us closer to spiritual perfection, this amulet reminds us that each person must pass through the metaphysical "washer" before we can achieve pure spudness. $2.00 Each |
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The Purification Brush Sometimes the sacred potato requires a little extra attention. Sometimes the residue of earthly life must be scrubbed away with more stringent means, before the potato is fit for passage into the next world. The same is true for humans. The Purification Brush is designed for use in the Purification Ritual, an essential part of your journey through the levels of spiritual enlightenment. Specially designed to emulate as closely as possible the actual brush used in antiquity to clean the sacred potato, this brush is a reminder that only through attention to the dirt caught in the cracks can we hope to achieve external purity. |
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The Purifying Cleanser For use with the Purification Brush. The cleanser has been painstakingly collected from special locations around the world, which we have named the "Nexi of Power," for reasons which are clear only to those who have reached the upper levels of their potatential. |
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The Pota-to-Meter Once the outside has been ritually cleansed, it's time to take care of the inside. Ever wanted to get your hands on one of those Electropsychometers (TM) that the Scientologists (TM) are always going on about, but were told they're not for sale? Well, now you can have the next best thing. Cult Warehouse is proud to offer you our exclusive Pota-to-Meter. Inspired by L. Ron Hubbard's (TM) design for the Electropsychometer (TM), and built on the metaphysical principles of our very own Kartoffel Synergy Movement, the Pota-to-Meter is designed to measure your spiritual similarity to the potato. Unlike the Electropsychometer (TM), you do not need the services of a specially trained "auditor" to interpret the readings for you. Simply take hold of the electrodes, and if you register a charge, you need help! Like the Electropsychometer (TM), the Pota-to-Meter is a religious artifact; unlike the Electropsychometer, the Pota-to-Meter will power a small LED light bulb.
*In order to avoid having the Justice Department come after me for fraud, I'm obliged to tell you that the Pota-to-Meter is not actually for sale. If you click on the above button, nothing will happen. I'm also obliged to tell you that if you were actually about to spend $10,000 on a potato battery, you should seek psychiatric counseling immediately. No, seriously. Get help. |
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